Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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