I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
