Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
