Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
