I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
