I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
