The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
and you fell through a lawn chair
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
