Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
my poor anus
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
