You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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