I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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