when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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