A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Actions speak louder than pants.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
