I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
