I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
