My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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