Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
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