Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
