Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
