My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
