Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
