while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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