Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
