I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
