if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need to sanitize my soul.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
