Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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