i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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