Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
