using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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