Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
