can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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