how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
