Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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