two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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