Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize