i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
