he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
