He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
