As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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