I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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