I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
