I wish you could order shots online.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
