My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
