I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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