Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
