I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
