There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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