so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
