he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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