Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
