seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
