Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
