I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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