My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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