i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
ttyl tear gas
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
