pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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