My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
