Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize