all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
