Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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