There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
