lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
