My liver just broke up with me...
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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